why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
