He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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