why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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