evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Randomize
