Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight