How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.