your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves