I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection