i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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