Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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