Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
