dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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