I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
