You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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