Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
