Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
