In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
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