Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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