Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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