Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
