birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
