I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
