All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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