k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
