i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
