just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
