Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
