do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
