When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
May the power of my ass compel you!!
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
