wrigley field is MILF paradise
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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