"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
