like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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