shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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