OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
