Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
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My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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