yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
