yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
