I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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