1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
