All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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