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It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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