Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
