U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
