Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
