i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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