tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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