my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Michael Bay diarrhea
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
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