my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
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God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
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Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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