remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
