looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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