It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
