I think i sorta joined a cult last night
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
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Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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