I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
