She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
