he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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