my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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