I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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