i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
