I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
