i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
