im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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